Thoughts
by Kalow
Summary: Toushiro is coerced into using a mind-reading device at the Shinigami Women's Association. Unfortunately, he learns some things he'd rather not know!


I do not own Bleach

**Thoughts**

"So tell me why you called me here?" Toushiro asked dully. He was standing in front of the so-called 'Shinigami Men's Association', the rip-off counterpart to the Shinigami Women's Association but with much less self-respect judging by the outfits they wore.

"We've come to offer you a job," Ukitake said.

"Not interested," Toushiro said promptly. Ukitake seemed slightly disheartened but didn't give up.

"Aw, come on! You didn't even let me tell you what it is yet!" he said.

"Fine, tell me what it is so that I can reject it and leave," Toushiro said.

"Okay so here's the idea. We've managed to convince Mayuri to create a mind-reading device that we're going to use at the Shinigami Women's association. The problem is, it only works at close range, and there's no way that they'll let us in. The only way into the place is through the air-ducts, and you're the only one small enough to fit in," Ukitake said.

"I refuse. That idea is idiotic and simplistic. I want no part in it," Toushiro said. Ukitake grinned.

"I thought you might say that, so I did a little 'test' to make sure that it works. Turns out it does, and now I know a few of your secrets. So unless you want that information to get out, I suggest you comply with this task," Ukitake said. Toushiro glowered at them, knowing he had no choice now. Ukitake merely smiled broadly.

--

Toushiro cursed his situation as he crawled through the ventilation shafts above the building hosting the Shinigami Women's Association. Attached to his head was an awkward device that looked like a headband with light bulbs and miniature satellite dishes on it. He growled at how ridiculous he looked, and was glad that nobody could see him.

He crawled through the ventilation system until he was at a vent above the meeting room. Peering down, he saw all those present at the meeting. Isane Kotetsu, Kiyone Kotetsu, Nanao Ise, Yachiru Kusajishi, Soi Fon, Rukia Kuchiki, and Rangiku Matsumoto were sitting around a table.

As they conversed, Toushiro felt the machine attached to his head turning on. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had been told that all he needed to do was look at a person and their mind would be read. He didn't want to invade the privacy of the female Shinigami below him, but he had no choice. He opened his eyes to do the job he had been forced into.

The first person to catch his eye was Isane Kotetsu. The machine on his head came to life, and Toushiro began reading her thoughts.

_Let's see, I still need to pick up some equipment for Captain Unohana after this meeting. Hopefully it will adjourn soon,_ Isane thought. Toushiro breathed a sigh of relief; perhaps this wouldn't be as bad as he thought. But then more thoughts came. _I'll have to get those cadavers too. Things would be a lot easier if Captain Unohana weren't a secret cannibal._

Toushiro stopped looking at Isane, deeply disturbed. He knew this was a bad idea, but he had already begun; he couldn't stop now! He grudgingly turned his view to Kiyone.

_I wonder why Captain Unohana wanted all of my fava beans and Chianti; is she making something for dinner? Well, I guess I can forgive her since she did introduce me to Mayuri. I always knew he had and extendable arm, but I never would have thought he could extend other parts of himself too! Oh man that was great last night!_

Toushiro turned to Nanao, who was officiating the meeting.

_I'm surrounded by idiots! I'm the only one who takes these meetings seriously. Yet I'm only vice-president! I should be full president! But noooooooo, the pink-haired nightmare is president. How the hell did she ever manage to gain executive power? Hmm, you know, I could probably kill her and nobody would ever know. Yes, that would work. Then I will control the Shinigami Women's association! BWAHAHAHAHA!!_

Toushiro shifted his gaze again, this time to Yachiru, who was currently eating from a sack of sugar. Her hands were coated with the stuff as she scooped it into her mouth.

_YAHOOHOOIMSOLUCKYKENNYBOUGHTMEALLTHISSUGARITSTHEBOMBIWONDERIFANYONEELSEEVEREATSSUGARLIKETHIS_

_OHIDONTCAREANYWAYSITSTHEIRLOSSTHATTHEYDIDNTGETANYSUGARBUTTHENAGAINNANAODIDHAVETHOSE_

_ANTIPYSCHOTICPILLSTHATIACCIDENTALLYATEMAYBEISHOULDAPOLOGIZEAFTERTHISBUTIDONTWANTTOANDKENNYWONTCAREAND_

_THEYREJUSTDUMBANTIPSYCHOTICMEDICATIONSSOWHOCARESBUTIHOPESHESTILLGIVESMECANDYWHENIANNOYHERITSAGREATSCAM_

_ALLIHAVETODOISBOTHERTHEMANDTHEYLLGIVEMECANDYTOGOAWAYBYAKUYANDNANAOBOTHDOTHATITSGREATILOVETHISYAHOO_!!

Toushiro's head hurt from listening to all of that. He turned to Soi Fon.

_I wonder how Yoruichi would react if she knew I pleasured myself with dolls of her. She probably wouldn't like it, but it's her fault for not doing it with me on her own accord. That would be so great. We'd lie naked in bed without any covers as we passionately love eachother. We would kiss and lick and suck eachother until we're both so hot we can't think straight. Then Yoruichi will reach her hand down and begin stroking me down there and she'll say "Oh Soi Fon, you're so hot and firm. Let us make love all night long." And I'll say "Yes, let's unleash our passion." Ahhhhhh…some day…_

Toushiro winced and turned his gaze to Rukia.

_I really enjoy these meetings. I wonder if they'll still let me visit after I get that sex change operation…_

Toushiro shook himself. He shouldn't be here. It was wrong for him to eavesdrop on such private thoughts. But as he was about to leave, he did notice that only Matsumoto was left. Curiosity got the better of him. He wondered what his vice-captain thought. Probably sake and sleeping on the couch. He looked at her, preparing to read her mind.

_I wonder if anyone will ever figure out that my boobs have gained sentient thought._

_Silence! Now feed us raw beef! We need sustenance!_

_Not now, we're at a meeting!_

_Fool! These meetings will be meaningless once we have conquered the earth! All will bow down before us!_

Toushiro began backing away, not wanting to hear anymore. Suddenly however, the machine malfunctioned, and the thoughts of everyone present began coming in.

_I wonder how long it takes for the hormone treatments to start working…_

_ALLTHESEGUYSARENOFUNIWANTOGOPLAYWITHBYAKUYAHESMOREFUNTHAN-_

_And who would have guessed that Mayuri could be so free-spirited in bed-_

_With that pink haired menace out of the way, nothing will stand in my way! Wait, did I take my anti-psychotic pills this morning? Uh-oh…_

_I was born with a tail, so a sex change isn't that strange comparatively-_

_Oral…_

_I hope the Captain is only eating the people who are already dead…_

_Used to masturba-_

_IWONDERIFANYONEHASEVERHADCHOCOLATESYRUPMIXEDWITHCONFETTICANDYILLHAVETOTRYTHATLATER!!_

_How can I get them to stop plotting?_

_You can't fool!_

_And Yoruichi will say "Oh Soi Fon, your tongue is working wonders!" and I'll say "Oh Yoruichi, I love it when you move your finger around like that!"_

_I put horrible things in people's mouths as they sleep-_

_I wonder if we could occasionally do it while she's in cat form-_

_Should I tell someone? No, they don't-_

_Mayuri actually has a drug that increases sensitivity down there! That clever-_

_Okay, so I'll excuse myself and take the medication-_

_Feed me!_

_My boobs want to enslave the earth…_

_ITHINKILLASKYUMICHIKATOCOOKMEACAKEWITHFUDGEONTHEINSIDE!!_

_World domination! World domination!_

--

Ukitake and the other members of the Shinigami Men's association sat at their table, waiting for Toushiro to come back. Finally, the door opened, and Toushiro walked in, a blank expression on his face.

"So Toushiro, how did it go?" Ukitake asked. Toushiro responded by tossing the mind-reading device at them. It was broken, apparently by being repeatedly stomped on.

"Congratulations, you've successfully traumatized me for life. I think I'm afraid of women now. Goodbye; if you need me, I'll be crying in a closet."

* * *

Thanks for reading! Please review!


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